Lately I Think Of Calder
       I don't have much to say here so I'm going to keep this brief and just say what has been on my mind lately. Since I started school last Monday, my anxiety has severely worsened; my panic attacks have gotten much more frequent and intense, I've started skipping meals out of lack of appetite, and I'm lucky if I sleep twice during the working week. It's become more and more obvious that something is seriously wrong with my mind, and that I have completely let school take a hold on my life.

       This anxiety has, sickly enough, been the one thing that has kept me going academically since junior year of high school. It's gotten me some good grades, but at the expense of my general well-being. Frankly, I don't know how much longer I can take of this college (Baruch) in NYC. That is to say, I might not be around here for too much longer, and it very very possible I will be transferring into another school. I hope that a change of scenery might make me a bit more stable, but at the same time I know that school just doesn't work for some people. I don't know how, but I know that each person has their own mind set that accommodates their working habits, or lack thereof.

       Here is where I think of one of my best friends, Calder. Calder is your parents' worst nightmare: He loves drinking and loud music, has Star Wars tattoos, and shuns religion. He almost failed out of college after his freshman year. Never being one for doing a half-assed job, Calder successfully failed out his sophomore year. After being told numerous times to stop coming late to work, Calder was fired from his job last summer. His job was essentially to roll bowling balls at Chelsea Piers and make sure no boys and girls got killed.

       Calder is also an extremely intelligent, articulate, and well-read man. His insults are better and far wittier than yours, so you will not get anything passed him. For one reason or another, he is one of the top 5 happiest people I've ever met. Sure, even after failing out he's had to take up a job at Hot Topic in the mall with the rest of the Port Jervis goth kids, but Calder is not without motivation.

       "I have all the time I want to start a band, get famous, and make a lot of money," said the 19 year old. And it isn't that I don't doubt he will get famous, because I do. But I know that no matter what happens, that kid is going to be happy. You've heard of the term lifer, yes? That's Calder. He's down to live.

       I am striving, always striving, for the Calder attitude. He does not need my work ethic. I need his mindset, and I don't think I'm going to find it here.

       At least this makes me happy in the meantime.